SHOUTOUT TO THAT ONE PERSON THAT HEARS YOU WHEN YOU’RE TALKING IN A GROUP AND SMILES OR REPLIES SO YOU DONT FEEL LIKE A TWAT
I was going through some old photos albums today to look for a good tbt and came across a bunch of pictures my mamaw had set aside with my dad. It will be six years this November and it feels like hardly anytime has passed. Going through those so hard for some reason and I just broke down. Just looking at thise pictures and seeing his face and how much he looked just like my brother when he was his age abd how I literally look exactly like him (I literally don’t think I got anything from my mom)… and just seeing his face and realizing how long its been since I’ve seen his face in person. How long its been since I’ve heard his voice and his laugh and his cough. How long its been since he told me how grown up I was and how pretty I looked and how I should never be self conscious about my weight. He always knew exactly what to say to me without ever hearing what I was thinking. I go back to that last hug all the time… I swear I knew that hug was the last. Looking at his face made me realize why Im so shut off to love. I haven’t really ever opened up entirely to love because of him. I’ve always kept one foot out the door. How am I ever supposed to trust someone else entirely when no one could love me like my daddy did or know me so well and know how to comfort me or say just the right thing at the right time without me saying a word. And we fought awfulll but it was because we were so much alike. I miss him so much and oh my god no one ever tells you how losing someone that close never ever leaves you, you just get used to the ache and learn to live with it. With that ache you are either constantly ignoring it or trying to fill it. Maybe the only way to find real love is to find someone who fills it but doesn’t replace it. To love you just the way you need to be loved.